[Deathangel]

Jimmy sat in his room. John sat in a chair on the other end of the room. On his lap sat a book and on the book sat a piece of paper. In his hand he held a pen. “Have you finished the equations,” asked Jimmy? “Not yet,” said John.

Jimmy soldered another transistor onto the chip. “We’re gonna need some more parts, said Jimmy. John nodded. “I’ve got plenty of money”, said John.

Finally John stood up. “I’ve got the equations done,” he said. John walked over and handed the piece of paper to Jimmy. Jimmy took the pager and read through the equations.

Footsteps pounded on the floor and moments later a face appeared. “Guess what guys,” the newcomer exclaimed. “What,” asked Jimmy? “I got my certificate,” the new comer said. Excitement shown on his face. “I’m now an A+ certified technician.” That’s great Ronny,” said Jimmy.

Ronny stepped through the doorway. In his hand he held a can of Pepsi. In the other hand he held the certificate. Ronny took a drink of soda. “Let me see the certificate,” said Jimmy. Ronny handed the certificate to Jimmy. “This is cool,” said Jimmy.

Ronny sat down on Jimmy’s bed and took another drink of Pepsi. Jimmy went to the kitchen and returned with two Dr. Peppers. “Here John, “said Jimmy. Jimmy handed one of the Dr. Peppers to John. He opened his and took a drink.

John stood up. “I guess I’ll go buy some more parts,” he said. “I’ll go too, “said Jimmy. “Me too,” said Ronny. Together they walked to the car. John opened the door on the driver side and got in. The others followed suit. John started the car and backed out of the driveway.

They pulled in front of an electronic supply store and piled out of the car leaving their sodas inside. They got the things they needed and walked back to the car.

John started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. They pulled in front of Jimmy’s house and piled out of the car.

Jimmy opened the door of the house and led the way inside. They climbed the stairs and went to Jimmy’s room holding their drinks. “We’re almost finished with the time machine,” said Jimmy. “I can’t wait to try it out.”

Ronny turned to stare at Jimmy. “Do you think it’ll actually work,” Ronny asked skeptically. “According to our equations it should,” said John.

John handed the bag of supplies to Jimmy who went back to work at soldering the parts onto the chip. Jimmy took a part from the bag, opened the packaging, and soldered the part onto the chip. “There,” said Jimmy. Jimmy took out a plastic case and a container of screws. He took the chip and screwed it to the case.

He took the wires out of the bag, cut them to size, pushed it through a hole in the case and soldered it to the chip. “Finished,” said Jimmy.

Jimmy picked up the device, and flipped the switch. A strange fog enveloped them.

When the fog disappeared they stood on dry ground. Jimmy’s house was gone! For the first time they looked around.

Jimmy noticed a small dinosaur scampering along the ground. Jimmy glanced down at the time machine and turned it off.

Jimmy looked up in time to see a brontosaurus lumbering along. A rain drop on his head caused him to look up. Black clouds hung in the sky.”I felt a rain drop,” said Jimmy. “I did too,” said Ronny.

[Chudz]

Hiya D.A.,

I liked the idea of three friends accomplishing a task and finding themselves back in dinosaur days, or wherever they are. The main thing that stood out for me were the breaks in dialogue.

Take the first paragraph for instance:

Jimmy sat in his room. John sat in a chair on the other end of the room. On his lap sat a book and on the book sat a piece of paper. In his hand he held a pen. “Have you finished the equations,” asked Jimmy? “Not yet,” said John.

From what I understand, very rarely do you want to include dialogue by different people in the same paragraph. So you could perhaps change that paragraph to be:

. . . In his hand he held a pen. "Have you finished the equations?" asked Jimmy.

"Not yet," said John.

I also moved the "?" mark back into the quotes where it belongs since that is where the question occurs.

This type of thing happens a few more times through the piece. And for starters, I would recommend taking care of those first.

Overall, it has a lot of potential for filling in how this all came about, etc.


P.S. Those A+ certs can come in handy!

[Deathangel]

Actually the book is finished. I was just seeing if anything needed to be changed.